November 24, 2014

Noise sensitivity.

Some days, like today, I can't stand listening to any noise that I'm not producing myself in what is supposed to be a quiet place.  Outside noises become so bothersome to me.  I even grow quite angry.  With this condition plaguing me, I've settled for my favorite place on campus, Appleton Tower's "absorb" as I work on this paper.  Yes, I definitely procrastinated on it, and I should have planned my time better.  Blah.  But what will I remember in five years?  The stress of finishing this paper last minute, or days like the weekend I just had with Emma, filled with adventures in the glorious city of Edinburgh?

Oh, yes, hi.  I'm in Scotland now.  Specifically Edinburgh (ed-in-BRUH).  I've been living and studying here for the past three months.  I love it, even though currently I am a mess of emotions.  I'm simultaneously working through feelings of sheer happiness to guilt, to laziness, to who-even-can-tell.  I partially blame entering my twenties.  That's right, folks.  I want my time to shine (and by shine I mean fail miserably and wallow in it) before quarter life crises are passé!  I'm twenty!  Let me in the club!!

Although I've given myself much needed space from the blogging world, I've still been documenting my life through daily videos.   Recently, I made a list of things that I'm looking forward to, and on said list is traveling to London next weekend.  Hopefully I can meet up with long-time Blogger Fam member and pen pal, Nicola.  I'm also eager to return to Minnesota and see how Kaitlyn, her beagle and Joey are surviving in the snow and ice.  Speaking of which, I'm not sure how I will survive.  I love the cold, but risk of frostbite and -40 degree weather always sounds extra dangerous and y'know, the opposite of fun.

Like a conversation going stale, I've turned to the weather.  Probably means I have nothing else to say.
I hope anyone who happens to be reading this is doing okay.  High School Musical is right: we're all in this together.

xx (ha ha am I British now?)

August 31, 2014

The end of an era?

I have been reluctant to write this.  Mostly I've been unsure how to formulate my thoughts properly.  But to avoid beating around the bush…

…I've discovered blogging doesn't make me happy anymore.

There.  I said it.

Even though initially blogging wasn't about pleasing anyone else, it kinda has become that way for me.   It feels shameful to even admit.  Like, how could I be so shallow?  How could I put my importance on the number of comments I received?  I shouldn't be so disappointed when I get zero comments.  Zero comments doesn't mean I'm worthless.  Zero comments doesn't somehow negate my awesome experiences.  (At this point I want to thank Natalie, who still consistently reads and usually comments.   Also Blogger Family members in general.  You all helped to keep me going longer than I probably would have otherwise.)

I kept thinking that if I just tried hard enough, I could be better.  I thought if I was "better," surely the comments would follow.  Yet after struggling for two-ish years at this, I finally learned that perhaps blogging isn't my scene.  Except if I wasn't a blogger -- what was I?  "Blogger" had become a large part of my identity.  I couldn't let that go, could I?

Recently, I've embraced that videos are my preferred mode of self-expression.  Perhaps you've been able to tell; my last few entires have been riddled with my latest work on YouTube.  Undeniably, the satisfaction I get from finishing a video quadruples any of the satisfaction I've probably ever gotten from writing a blog post.  Sadly, I know that these same posts have once again yielded zero comments. I can't -- and won't -- let that hold me back.

Still, I'm hoping to be able to blog on occasion.  Feel free to subscribe to my YouTube channel, pandasinfedoras, to stay in the loop on my adventures in the meantime.  I won't be offended if you don't.

Until later, alligators.

August 16, 2014

In the midst of August.

So far the week has been a succession of goodbyes.  First, Abby left St. Paul to go home to Texas.  From there, she will shortly head out to Bolivia for her fall semester abroad.  It simultaneously seems like forever since I went to the Irish Fair with her and Aparna and also like it happened months ago.

I talked on the phone with Andy one last time on Thursday.  I am selfishly glad he is going in the fall, too, so we'll both be back at Mac in the spring. Actually, it worked out that I will see most of my close friends when I'm back from Scotland.  In general, though, junior year feels extra disjointed.  It's already strange telling people, "Have a nice trip.  See you next fall."  Fall 2015.

This morning I had to say farewell to Erin.  Yesterday we filmed a 'before abroad' interview of questions.  She's headed to Copenhagen, Denmark to study film.  I will miss her immensely. But like I said, she'll be back in the spring so it's okay.

Anyway.  I am very tired.  Talk to you soon.