The end of an era?

I have been reluctant to write this.  Mostly I've been unsure how to formulate my thoughts properly.  But to avoid beating around the bush…

…I've discovered blogging doesn't make me happy anymore.

There.  I said it.

Even though initially blogging wasn't about pleasing anyone else, it kinda has become that way for me.   It feels shameful to even admit.  Like, how could I be so shallow?  How could I put my importance on the number of comments I received?  I shouldn't be so disappointed when I get zero comments.  Zero comments doesn't mean I'm worthless.  Zero comments doesn't somehow negate my awesome experiences.  (At this point I want to thank Natalie, who still consistently reads and usually comments.   Also Blogger Family members in general.  You all helped to keep me going longer than I probably would have otherwise.)

I kept thinking that if I just tried hard enough, I could be better.  I thought if I was "better," surely the comments would follow.  Yet after struggling for two-ish years at this, I finally learned that perhaps blogging isn't my scene.  Except if I wasn't a blogger -- what was I?  "Blogger" had become a large part of my identity.  I couldn't let that go, could I?

Recently, I've embraced that videos are my preferred mode of self-expression.  Perhaps you've been able to tell; my last few entires have been riddled with my latest work on YouTube.  Undeniably, the satisfaction I get from finishing a video quadruples any of the satisfaction I've probably ever gotten from writing a blog post.  Sadly, I know that these same posts have once again yielded zero comments. I can't -- and won't -- let that hold me back.

Still, I'm hoping to be able to blog on occasion.  Feel free to subscribe to my YouTube channel, pandasinfedoras, to stay in the loop on my adventures in the meantime.  I won't be offended if you don't.

Until later, alligators.

In the midst of August.

So far the week has been a succession of goodbyes.  First, Abby left St. Paul to go home to Texas.  From there, she will shortly head out to Bolivia for her fall semester abroad.  It simultaneously seems like forever since I went to the Irish Fair with her and Aparna and also like it happened months ago.

I talked on the phone with Andy one last time on Thursday.  I am selfishly glad he is going in the fall, too, so we'll both be back at Mac in the spring. Actually, it worked out that I will see most of my close friends when I'm back from Scotland.  In general, though, junior year feels extra disjointed.  It's already strange telling people, "Have a nice trip.  See you next fall."  Fall 2015.

This morning I had to say farewell to Erin.  Yesterday we filmed a 'before abroad' interview of questions.  She's headed to Copenhagen, Denmark to study film.  I will miss her immensely. But like I said, she'll be back in the spring so it's okay.


Anyway.  I am very tired.  Talk to you soon.

Still at it.

Originally, I thought I would have time to blog daily about each video I'm making.  I was wrong.  But to catch you up:

August 1st, 2014

Dan and I planned a trip to Mickey's, a historic and delicious restaurant in downtown St. Paul, only to find ourselves in the far-eastern suburbs of the city.  Sometimes you just have to take the bus to the end of the line.

August 2nd, 2014

My housemate Hayley and I harvested some of our own carrots and potatoes in our backyard.  Then we headed down to the St. Paul Farmers' Market to have a look around.

August 3rd, 2014

I chronicled burning Nicole's monthly mix for July.  She and I have been swapping mixes like this since October 2012.  And we have no intention of stopping.  Sometimes we blog about our musical musings here.

August 4th, 2014
I spewed thoughts on thinking too much.  Tried not to think too much about any potential responses.  C'est la vie.

August 5th, 2014
Last night I relieved my first year of college and compiled this retrospective.  Looking back, I am honored to have met some genuinely kind, funny, talented, beautiful and honest souls.

Tonight, I have a confession to make: everything I own is green.